Saturday, 25 September 2010

I'm learning!

I have £8.40 to my name.

Due to this fact, my activities are fairly limited.  Thus, here is a list of things I've learnt during my period of unemployment.

My neighbour likes to listen to jungle beats at mid day.  I choose this time to pretend to clean the living room.  If the hoover is plugged in and someone comments that I've done nothing all day, I can show them that I was clearly distracted by this issue of hello magazine and was actually hoovering until the second that person opened the door.

At 1pm every day a taxi parks outside my house and beeps its horn.  I've yet to see anyone enter this taxi, but I'm sure it'll bring me great joy when I eventually find out who's been ordering it.  I hope its a large jolly man with a beard.

For the next six hours an alarm will randomly go off in my street.  I haven't braved venturing outdoors to see if it is a car alarm or a  house alarm  but I'm hoping its just a really cocky burglar who likes to come back every day to make sure he's grabbed absolutely everything before breaking into another house.
My flat mate normally returns between 4pm and 6pm.  His first comments are normally "why is the house still messy?", "you haven't left the house today have you?" or "When is the next episode of house on?".  I like to try and guess which one he is going to ask me and prepare an elaborate answer.  If I guess wrong then I have wasted a day preparing an elaborate answer.

At 7pm if for some reason I've still not left the house with my £8.40 in hand, then this is the time I can usually hear my neighbour's silence.  I believe this is the time his wife comes home and they engage in an evening of rigorous silence.  Unfortunately this leads me to believe they are having marital problems.  Sometime during the next week I will create a remedy for this and post it through their letter box or glue it to their windows.

At 3am I believe that my house is transported to London.  I believe this because every night without fail, I hear hordes of drunk cockney women stumbling aimlessly home beneath my window.  I heard one complaining about how far away the "tube" was.  My house is definitely transported to London at 3am.