Friday, 16 December 2011

Blackcurrant Fizzy?

Blackcurrant Fizzy? New video we made.  Go make yourself a delicious Blackcurrant Fizzy and enjoy!

Monday, 30 May 2011

Phil's Night

Phil opened his door, then shut it again.  He turned around and walked towards the
front room.  He glanced around for any sign of life, saw none and lumbered towards
the couch.  He sat down with a forceful lethargy and stared blankly at the broken TV.
His mind wandered.  Images of drunken nameless faces appeared in his scattered thoughts. 
The tall prick who insisted on putting on his own music for the whole night, "dubstep is
the only music worth two fucks these days". 
The girl who always had a little bag of pills with her, safely encased in that hello kitty purse with the spaghetti thin strap which she made herself.  The white guy with matted dreads, The couple who  should have stayed at home and the two guys who don't know anyone else. 
He was sure he remembered more, but he didn't care. 

He sat motionless for a while, not feeling anything...except hunger.  Hunger was valid at this moment in time, so he imagined a German man shouting at him which gave him the energy to stand up.  His eyes couldn't focus, as if there was a little man in his head twisting the little rings behind his swollen orbs to create a clear image but it just wasn't working.  Perhaps the little man didn't feel up to the job today and was sleeping. Phil didn't mind, he'd been able to see his whole life, the little man deserves a break.

Through his hazed vision he was able to make out a rectangle.  Luckily this was the door frame leading to the kitchen.  Phil is no stranger to his kitchen so he was able to navigate his way to the cold place filled with ...well nothing.  His blurred spheres showed his sickened brain a dim light, three wire shelves, an empty box of beer, a lettuce and an egg.  Phil momentarily considered combining the egg and lettuce to make a delicious serving of egguce, but decided to tough it out for a while.

He slumped down against the refrigerator and considered his life.  All of his accomplishments, all of his failures and all of his goals.  He was surprisingly unmoved by this introspection and went back to sleep.  His evening was over.  He felt nothing.  Phil is a cunt.

Friday, 11 March 2011

I have a Job!

After being unemployed for half a year,  I have successfully forced my little face into the tender world of media production.  Here is a list of things I will miss from my state of worklessness-

Waking up at 6pm
Going to bed at 6pm
Living off Tuna
Being an alcoholic
Not paying council tax
Having the time to thoroughly explore an orifice of my choosing for any forms of life
Filling a room with a smell
Leaving foul messages on friends' answerphones
Not having a preferred political party
Being the "king of house"
Watching Mrs Doubtfire several times a day
and spending several hours reading about a rare animal.

I've been in a state of employment for a short while now and this is what I've learnt -

Macs aren't as shit as I keep telling everyone they are
Getting up early is easier now than it was during university
I wasted my free time by not writing enough sketches
Mrs Doubtfire is a very competent film.  Strong plot, strong actors, as long as the audience are willing to suspend disbelief (PRO TERM!) and glance over the fact that Daniel would have presumably used a similar voice to that of Mrs Doubtfire in the past...then we've got a winner on our hands!  Move over Godfather, Mrs Doubtfire is the new benchmark of film making.

Hello son, ignore the fact that I look and sound like your dad.  I'm the English nanny!

 My advice for getting an awesome job in the media is...Do anything and everything for free until someone wants to pay you!  That, and don't be a dick. 

Saturday, 16 October 2010

Monday, 11 October 2010


I spent about three hours contemplating society's perception of towels the other night.  Granted I wasn't in any state to command an army or drive a forklift, but it seemed like a relevant thought at the time.

I cant think of any other current uses for towels other than drying things.  I've decided to make money and end my period of unemployment by inventing towels for the 21st century.

Toaster Towel

Amazing idea.  Hang it up on the towel rack and two minutes later you have two delicious slices of lovely toast.  The only problem I see with this idea is somehow providing a current to an object which is in regular contact with water...and human flesh .  I'm sure this problem will work itself out with enough time and practice.

Towel Hat

Towels are incredibly comfy.  Many hats are not.  Replace hats with towels and we can put an end to one of the biggest problems in modern day life.  A hat made out of towels will finally solve the horrific torment everyone suffers when they try to fall asleep against a window in a bus or train.  That irritating vibration that your jumper is just too thin to save you from.  Once the towel hat is in stores, everyone will be able to sleep wherever the hell they want and god dammit they will be comfy doing so!

Ass Floss

I don't have a picture for this one because it would be horrifying.  However if it could be marketed I think it would sell incredibly well!  "Tired of an itchy arse? Sick of looking like a fool trying to sneak in a scratch? Have you just had enough of winnets? Well then purchase some brand new ass floss! Made out of a teeny towel for your taint, this invention is sure to rid any ailment in the anal region!"  Fantastic, I could see myself making millions.  Infact yes, this is what I'm going to do this week.  Invent ass floss and sell it for an obscene profit.

Saturday, 2 October 2010

I made an apple crumble today

I didn't enjoy the experience.  There is way too much weighing and cutting involved in cooking.  I'd like it if I had knives for fingers as it would just be like playing with an apple and I'd end up with lovely little apple segments to either throw at people or use as the basis for a mighty fine dessert. 

I wanted to clean the kitchen so I used disinfectant on all the surfaces.  I don't know how much is a lethal dose but I haven't told anyone I've done if they get ill they can't blame me.

That fecking neighbour is beeping his horn again!  I'm going to follow him...

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

I miss radio

Geraldine by Glasvegas just threw itself onto my spotify player.  This made me remember pressing that "cart 1" button on the myriad playout system at Uni.  It always made a very satisfying click, like those really old keyboards you used to use during computer time in first school to learn verbs.  I find it a shame that UtopiaFM doesn't exist anymore.  They re-branded the station and it became really...really shit.  When I presented on Utopia we had a fantastic station manager who will presumably one day be running the BBC who encouraged original ideas and content.  In my final year at uni it seemed the station lost its charm and tried to present itself as a genuine competitor to commercial radio.  Its presented by students, so its a student radio station.  Make that something to be proud of not something to ignore.

Not meaning to deviate from the normal semi surreal posts, I'll comment on my temporary reprieve from unemployment.  I got called into a businessman's office today to discuss my input regarding their next conference.  I looked at the man, trying to hide any sense of "I'm really really immature, your company should not be trusting me to film anything and that fez you have on your desk looks ridiculously comfortable".  I asked the purpose of the conference and he said it was an overview of the year, highlighting their profit making techniques.  I suggested we make a funny video and the man seemed to like this idea so I proceeded to explain some scenarios which I thought would be funny.  I liked this man, he seemed like he was a normal human being and not the typical empty shell of a businessman.  As I was explaining my ideas, another business man entered the room.  This man had a briefcase in his hand so I could tell he was important.  Either that or he doesn't trust his co workers not to eat the turkey pesto sandwich his wife made him the night before so he carries it where ever his adventures take him.  The man started talking to the other important man about business.  I understood the individual words they were saying but when I tried to piece them together as a sentence I got so bored I slipped into a temporary coma, only to be awoken by the second man's coffee breath.   When I awoke, coffee breath man was leaving and the first man had made some notes about the film.  He told me to find the best deal for the camera rig I want to use and get back to him with some ideas.

Unfortunately 1 week of filming doesn't exempt me from unemployed status so I continue to hunt for work!