Wednesday, 29 September 2010

I miss radio

Geraldine by Glasvegas just threw itself onto my spotify player.  This made me remember pressing that "cart 1" button on the myriad playout system at Uni.  It always made a very satisfying click, like those really old keyboards you used to use during computer time in first school to learn verbs.  I find it a shame that UtopiaFM doesn't exist anymore.  They re-branded the station and it became really...really shit.  When I presented on Utopia we had a fantastic station manager who will presumably one day be running the BBC who encouraged original ideas and content.  In my final year at uni it seemed the station lost its charm and tried to present itself as a genuine competitor to commercial radio.  Its presented by students, so its a student radio station.  Make that something to be proud of not something to ignore.

Not meaning to deviate from the normal semi surreal posts, I'll comment on my temporary reprieve from unemployment.  I got called into a businessman's office today to discuss my input regarding their next conference.  I looked at the man, trying to hide any sense of "I'm really really immature, your company should not be trusting me to film anything and that fez you have on your desk looks ridiculously comfortable".  I asked the purpose of the conference and he said it was an overview of the year, highlighting their profit making techniques.  I suggested we make a funny video and the man seemed to like this idea so I proceeded to explain some scenarios which I thought would be funny.  I liked this man, he seemed like he was a normal human being and not the typical empty shell of a businessman.  As I was explaining my ideas, another business man entered the room.  This man had a briefcase in his hand so I could tell he was important.  Either that or he doesn't trust his co workers not to eat the turkey pesto sandwich his wife made him the night before so he carries it where ever his adventures take him.  The man started talking to the other important man about business.  I understood the individual words they were saying but when I tried to piece them together as a sentence I got so bored I slipped into a temporary coma, only to be awoken by the second man's coffee breath.   When I awoke, coffee breath man was leaving and the first man had made some notes about the film.  He told me to find the best deal for the camera rig I want to use and get back to him with some ideas.

Unfortunately 1 week of filming doesn't exempt me from unemployed status so I continue to hunt for work!

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Applying for jobs

After applying for every relevant job that I could find, I started to think maybe these job websites were learning what kind of person I was.  Maybe they could even suggest some jobs that are similar to the jobs I've expressed an interest in.  Luckily one of these job websites has such a feature.  This morning I excitedly clicked the recommended jobs section, held my breath and was greeted with:

If my job seekers account was my girlfriend then  I would be very disappointed in her lack of knowledge about my career ambitions.  I've probably spent the same amount of time with my actual girlfriend as I have on this job site.  I've even started complimenting the website so that the relationship doesn't turn sour too quickly, I'll bring it chocolates next week and try and befriend its mother.

For the record, I don't speak German but I do a great German accent.  I might apply for that job and try to wing my way past the interviewers. "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" "NAH" ...actually that would be a terrible terrible waste of my abundance of time.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

I'm learning!

I have £8.40 to my name.

Due to this fact, my activities are fairly limited.  Thus, here is a list of things I've learnt during my period of unemployment.

My neighbour likes to listen to jungle beats at mid day.  I choose this time to pretend to clean the living room.  If the hoover is plugged in and someone comments that I've done nothing all day, I can show them that I was clearly distracted by this issue of hello magazine and was actually hoovering until the second that person opened the door.

At 1pm every day a taxi parks outside my house and beeps its horn.  I've yet to see anyone enter this taxi, but I'm sure it'll bring me great joy when I eventually find out who's been ordering it.  I hope its a large jolly man with a beard.

For the next six hours an alarm will randomly go off in my street.  I haven't braved venturing outdoors to see if it is a car alarm or a  house alarm  but I'm hoping its just a really cocky burglar who likes to come back every day to make sure he's grabbed absolutely everything before breaking into another house.
My flat mate normally returns between 4pm and 6pm.  His first comments are normally "why is the house still messy?", "you haven't left the house today have you?" or "When is the next episode of house on?".  I like to try and guess which one he is going to ask me and prepare an elaborate answer.  If I guess wrong then I have wasted a day preparing an elaborate answer.

At 7pm if for some reason I've still not left the house with my £8.40 in hand, then this is the time I can usually hear my neighbour's silence.  I believe this is the time his wife comes home and they engage in an evening of rigorous silence.  Unfortunately this leads me to believe they are having marital problems.  Sometime during the next week I will create a remedy for this and post it through their letter box or glue it to their windows.

At 3am I believe that my house is transported to London.  I believe this because every night without fail, I hear hordes of drunk cockney women stumbling aimlessly home beneath my window.  I heard one complaining about how far away the "tube" was.  My house is definitely transported to London at 3am.

Friday, 24 September 2010

The Dole Office

The dole office (welfare office for Americans) is a breeding ground of delightful characters.  About one in thirty of the people there seem to be genuinely looking for work.  The rest of them look like this

 Or this...
On my visit yesterday I was lucky enough to be seated in the waiting area by a charming gentleman who, from what I could gather, had a merry evening the night before and seemed to be rather bitter about the "dickhead bastard government".  Apparently making him pry himself out of his bed at the crack of noon to collect his money was too much for his "fucking head" at this time.  Well with any luck this wise man would become my new teacher and educate me in the ways of politics so when I do eventually find employment, I'll be able to share my new found views by the water cooler!

Once it had been deemed that I'd learnt sufficient about the government, a very small man called my name and gestured me towards a desk.  As I sat down I accidentally hit my knees against said desk which created a loud metallic bang.  I tried to make light of this situation with a friendly remark, "hah I bet that happens to you all the time, must get annoying".  The small man looked at me, forced a very sarcastic smile, and switched his gaze over to his computer which troublesomely, I couldn't see.  In my mind he was looking over questions to ask me regarding my stance on governmental issues, lucky for me that my new teacher had prepared me.

Unfortunately the little man instead asked me about how I had been looking for work, with his little legs fidgeting under his chair.  I informed him that I had contacted a radio station, a tv station and a dvd shop.  He didn't seem too impressed with my high ambitions but seemed happy to know that I had received a possible interview for the dvd shop and an "email received" notification from the tv station.  I think he was warming to me as his little legs were relaxed now, not at all fidgety.  The little man suggested I continue looking for work and stated he was looking forward to seeing me next week.  (I don't think he really is looking forward to seeing me, but just to be safe I think I'm going to take him a packet of M&Ms next time)

I waved the little man goodbye, and shot my new teacher a "that went well" smile.  As I left the dole office with little to no self respect remaining, I saw a police car drive by with an angry looking man in the back seat.  This made me happy so I went home and ate a bowl of tuna.